Hey there friend! This is a long one. I’ve decided to break our contract, and so won’t be showing up in your inbox every morning anymore. I take these things (i.e. my word) very seriously and refuse to give you a half-assed explanation why. Incoming essay.
This last year has undoubtedly been a trying and transformative one. I’ve heard from plenty of people that everyone’s early 20’s are. You’re living without guardrails for the first time, and what follows is often frustration, confusion, and loneliness.
I’m certainly no exception to the rule. In the last year I’ve lost myself and found myself countless times. While this growth has been positive, more than anything else I’ve learned about my weaknesses, shortcomings, and negative tendencies.
I’ve always been a future-oriented person. A daydreamer, even. While this has some positives, in the last year it’s manifested itself in an achievement and ambition mentality. Years of striving and “you’re something special” blew my ego out of proportion, and I could only see one path- forward, up, and quickly.
I managed to fool myself, though. I called it “growth”. And I certainly did grow. But if I’m being honest, it wasn’t about that. It was about achievement. It was about being better not than myself yesterday, but than the stranger I passed on the sidewalk.
Maybe the actions would have been the same either way, but the emotional experience was nothing like that. Intention matters. Brute force self-honesty- I don’t like who I’ve been over the past year. If I was another person I’d call myself an uptight bore, and more than a little pretentious. I’ve become more pessimistic. I’ve been less thoughtful, empathetic, and kind than I have ever been in my entire life. I’ve treated people poorly, and created distance in my most importance relationships. Without a doubt I am far less happy for it.
That’s not exactly what I’d call a move in the right direction.
The thing is, I see why. I see that I’m not investing in people. That I’m not managing my emotions well. That I’m not creating constructive emotional healths habits. I’m not honoring the process, that happiness begets fulfillment that perhaps begets success, not the other way around.
Say it however you like. Happiness is hard work. I personally dislike associating happiness with work, so I like to phrase it this way: Happiness is deliberate.
Belonging do not get you there, achievements do not get you there, no endpoint gets you there. It is a mentality, it is a respect and joy and love of life and growing with it.
And so I’m quitting my goals. It’s something I’ve said here before- goals hold value in that they move you toward where you want to be. And I’ve no fucking clue where that is right now.
So I’m not going to make 6 videos in 6 months and I’m not going to read 52 books and I’m not going to write 180 blog posts. Because I don’t know if I want that or what comes from it.
Instead, I’m going to focus on refinding the passion, joy, and optimism I used to have, not from obligation but from being alive.
Will I write somedays? Maybe. If I feel like it. I might shoot a video here or there too. But I’m not going to allow goals to act like blinders if I don’t know that’s the direction I want to move in. It’s my next 6-month project: 6 months without goals. Or perhaps one goal: fix where my head is at.
I’m almost certain I’ll write occasionally, and I hope you’re still here to read them when I do. I hope the posts are better, coming from a more sincere place and from a better person. Either way, thanks for sticking it through for so long.
2 Comments
I believe and have always believed that people are all different from one another, so there is no “right” way to do things. You have to do what you feel is necessary to get on the right path for you, your sanity, your happiness, etc.
Perhaps this is the frustrated, confused, and alone, 20 something in me, but be cautious of the “investing in people” idea. While people can be great and I’m sure there are many that would do their best to give back with an investment from you (yours truly being one of them), sometimes people can be the cause of more pain. You invest and they don’t invest back. Or, in the sense of an entrepreneur, you invest and it doesn’t pay out the way you had hoped.
We live in the world where if someone doesn’t want to go to the thing you invited them too, you just ignore the text. It’s a cruel world, but I know you’re an intelligent and great guy and you’ll recognize who is worth the investment and who is not. I’m sorry the say that the search for an outside person will always be a bit harder for you, because you can’t find Justin Mulvaney.
love.