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Monthly Archives: June 2016

On Being the Person in your head: East vs. West

I have a tendency to talk to myself a lot, much like an insane person probably does.

I monologue. I pretend I’m being interviewed or giving a speech. Sometimes I give myself a pep talk- act as my own life coach.

After weeks (or maybe months… probably years) of doing this, I finally had a revelation: I developed this habit because there is an entire person in my head who rarely comes out. The person I am in these moments is completely unlike the person I am in the real world, but resembles my deepest held beliefs. This has been how I self-actualize.

Oftentimes in our day-to-day interactions, we come to a fork in the road. One option is the comfortable and surefire way, the path which nearly guarantees safety. The alternative is to be vulnerable. Get real. Put your true self out there. It’s difficult, and we run the risk of deep rejection.

For me, it follows a near identical pattern every time. I see the crossroad approaching. There are two paths:

  1. Go West- crack a witty joke. Use humor as the ultimate defense- everyone loves a funny guy! You’re sure to secure your status as the fun center of attention
  2. Go East- get real. Share an intellectual and emotional perspective that risks being overly serious, but also has the potential to create a fulfilling and meaningful moment.
Too often, I go West. Lately, I’ve been looking to go East.

Some ways you can start: journal, blog, talk to yourself like a crazy person. Try being this person in one-on-ones and with close friends.

The easiest way: Ask yourself how the person you are in your head is different than the person the world sees. Then email me (or if you’re brave enough, comment) the difference.

True Fans

If you’ve never heard of the concept of your “1000 true fans”, read this.

 

You can dream of huge numbers, but 1000 will do. That number is far less daunting.

Community, Pt. 2

A few of you responded to my post on Community on Monday- thanks for that!

I had a good friend write a thorough response, breaking community-building down into 3 parts: vulnerability, resilience, and the assumption that community is a good thing.

I found myself inspired by the words, and asked if I could share them with you. Permission was granted. Words below. Leave some love if they inspire you too:

 

“A few thoughts I had on my commute (written without revision) – I think there’s a recipe for creating this community and it doesn’t sound very difficult, but in practice it can be scary. The 3 ingredients are (1) Unwavering belief that Community is good and that others want it too (2) Vulnerability (3) Resilience

(1) Unwavering belief that Community is good and that others want it too
For those of us who have experienced community, whether short term at a wedding or long term while in college or whatever, we know that it feels amazing. It’s indescribable and it’s a feeling we’ll quickly long for when it’s gone. I once heard that “Home is where they love you.” And that’s exactly it. It’s a web of love that grows in strength as more strings are added. While struggling through my first year post-college, my older sister perfectly empathized and articulated what I was feeling – “This is the first time you’re not surrounded by people who love you.” Yes! Those I love are still around, but not in the constant close contact like I’m used to. My favorite part of high school was hanging with my best friends in class for a few hours every day. My favorite part of college was that all my friends lived within 10 minutesfrom me, with most of them living less than 100 feet from me. Now that I’ve felt how amazing community is, I want it. I want it very badly. And I know I’m not the only one. That belief that I’m searching for a community as hard as a community is searching for me is what makes it all possible. Next comes the courage to be vulnerable.

 

(2) Vulnerability
There’s a great TED Talk on vulnerability that I bet you’ve seen (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en). Vulnerability is the key to creating authentic connection. Weddings help people become vulnerable – there’s a common understanding that a wedding is highly emotional and beautiful occasion and deep down we all are either craving or celebrating the same occasion for ourselves. It’s ok to cry at a wedding. It’s less ok to cry in a bar. Vulnerability is an invitation. It’s proactively telling someone that it’s ok to be your true self because I’m going to do it first. It’s scary because it’s only an invitation and there’s no requirement that the other person will RSVP “Yes” to the community you’re trying to create.

 

(3) Resilience
Creating a community, generally, will not happen on your first try. There will be people who choose to RSVP “No”. Why? Perhaps they’re part of the minority that hasn’t experienced community. Perhaps they’re satisfied with the communities they’re already a part of. Perhaps they’re afraid they’ll be committing to a community with no way out. Perhaps they don’t think they’re good enough for your community. Whatever the case, some people will say no. And that hurts. It hurts because you intentionally made yourself vulnerable, and that vulnerability was, in a way, violated. But that’s ok. You need to be resilient and keep trying because creating a community will be good and others want it too (see what I did there?)

 

So how does one begin creating a community? First, identify what kind of community you want – Musicians, Volunteers, Thinkers, Readers, whatever. Second, put yourself in that environment as often as possible – Go to shows, volunteer yourself, go to speaking events, hang out in book stores, whatever. (side note – you can probably flip flop these steps). Third, introduce yourself by name ask for their name, and remember it. Fourth, get their number / Facebook and be the weird vulnerable one who invites them to the next time you do the thing that you met at. Five, repeat.

 

Dang, I make it sound so easy but it’s brutally difficult. Ridiculously difficult.”

“Should”

I’ve come to detest the word “Should”.

In dogma, one knowledgeably opts into a set of principles laid down by some authority. This can be religious, political, or of any other sort. One decides to accept these principles as definitively true and live their life accordingly.

Should is used to define what is proper, what we are obliged to do, what is correct. It is a way of automating decision making based on a set of beliefs.

What is perplexing is that oftentimes we use the word “should” without defining the set of concrete principles it stems from.

“I should go to this party.”
 
“I should like my job.”
 
“I should be happy with my life.”

When we see this manifestation of “should”, it becomes obvious it is something bigger. Put simply, “should” is opting-out of thought. It is opting out of hard decisions, hard calculations, hard thoughts.

Should is the killer of creativity. It is the killer of happiness. It the killer of self-actualization. It is an intangible muddle of social pressure that doesn’t give a shit about you.

Want to test it?

Listen for when you use the word should. Next time you hear it, ask yourself: Why should I? From what set of principles of should do these stem?

My bet: most of the time you’ll find it’s nothing but air, years of conditioned notions that hold no value to you. My second bet: you’ll find the solution that makes you the happiest (but also causes you some deal of stress since it goes against social norms (that are stupid anyway)) is very different from what you “should” do.

Community

There’s an undeniable magic to weddings.

For one night, a small group of loosely affiliated people unite for a joyous celebration. Many of them complete strangers, they shed all inhibition and come together in a way that is seldom seen in our daily lives.

There’s something uniquely different about the interactions we have with people, especially strangers, at weddings:

  • When we meet someone new, we immediately act as if they’re a friend. We assume the best and are open to real connection.
  • In that moment, a camaraderie can evolve between the most unlikely of people. Those who would generally be repelled from each other are capable of deeply meaningful interaction.
  • This warmth is even powerful enough to temporary override old grudges. For that evening, previous conflict seems foolish.
One way to interpret this phenomenon: The significance of the occasion is strong enough to create an instant community around the couple. A group who, despite a lack of knowledge, assume the best of each other and are open to creating deeply meaningful moments.

Important to note- I mean a true community. Not a bullshit buzzword or your local “community watch”. I mean a group of people who care deeply for each other. A tribe. Humans have evolved in communities and naturally flourish in them. I find it difficult to find one that feels legitimate. A few thoughts on this:

  1. Most of us do not deal with a hostile environment in our day to day. Adopting a “community” mindset despite not being in a community can be enough to start moving toward one. That means assuming the best, and being open to real connections in seemingly trivial moments.
  2. What opportunities do we have in our lives to create a real community? A tribe?
That last bit seems like a key to happiness. Yet it’s rare to find a community that is truly open and geared toward deeply enriching each others lives at a fundamental level.

Seems that if you can’t find one, you should just make it.
 
I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Goals, Systems, and Processes…

…look different depending on if you’re:

Starting up (0 to 1)
Growing (1 to 10)
Seeking Mastery (10 to 100)

Which phases have you moved through before? How? Was it the best way? Where are you in different areas now?

Rescripting

“He’ll be a billionaire, just give him a few years.”

“It’s so amazing that you got in on the ground floor.”

“I’m so happy you’ve found success!”

Generally it’s completely innocent, even well-meaning. Oftentimes it serves to put us in a box. To discourage us from exploring other paths that might be more meaningful.

After years of being rewarded and encouraged for arbitrary measures, it can be a struggle to understand what you actually want. Inevitably we need to rescript our thought processes- route out how we’ve been encouraged to think for years and discover what we actually want.

Good questions to start with are right there- “What do I actually want?” “What makes me happy despite no one encouraging me for it?”

Is it Good for Us?

I think businesses have been getting really good at asking the question “What is it for?”. We hunt down who’s using our product, find out what they’re trying to do with it, and make it even better for them. The dream is to build something that seems fundamentally necessary to the person employing it.

A question that might be missing— Is it good for us?
 
No, there won’t be a clear answer. The power lies in the question. What happens when businesses ask if what they’re doing is good for the person using it?

Not optimizing an area in their life.

Not doing what they’re trying to use it for as well as possible.

Actually enriching their life in a net positive way.

Good to ask for both people it employs and the people it serves. And in the meantime, when you’re using something, why not ask- Is how I’m using this good for me?

Children

For being so young and naive, children have a hell of a lot figured out:

  • They always ask why. Children know better than to do anything without investigating what it’s for.
  • They never dwell on yesterday, and certainly aren’t worried about tomorrow. There’s too much to be occupied with now, and that is far more important.
  • They play, because they’re alive. What is the point of life but to enjoy while we’re here?

“People won’t care what you think…”

“…until they think that you care.“

One of my favorite quotes. Important to note the process involved:

  1. Care
  2. Speak and act in alignment with that sentiment
  3. People think you care
And, if you’re so fortunate- focused in your intention, articulate in your speech, relentless in your execution:

  1. People know that you care.
Half-heartedly commit to any of those steps and you’ll probably fall short.