Blog | Justin Mulvaney

Have you ever read, watched, or listened to something that resonates at such a profound level that you wonder how you lived your entire life to that point without finding it?

Perhaps it perfectly articulates a deeply held belief of yours, simplifying it down to its very essence. Maybe it reveals a perspective you’ve never considered but, now that you know, can’t imagine life without. Either way, you’re certain you’ll never forget it.

Steven Pressfield (author of The War of Art and Do the Work) recently released a new book about his journey as a writer called Nobody Wants to Read Your Sh*t. Here are some of his words that I found myself screaming yes to:

“What you learn in Wrong Career #1 will serve you in Off-Key Career #2 and in Out-of-Kilter Career #3 and the wisdom you acquire in #1, #2, and #3, will form the foundation of Real Calling #4 (or #5 or #6 or however long it takes.)“

I’ve recently had a fascination with social pressure and the different ways it operates. Generally, I experience two kinds of social pressure in my life:

Need an example? I work with a  group of brilliant people, all with unique work styles that are much different than my own. They often work in 2-4 hour chunks, (maybe) take lunch , and continue at breakneck speed for the entirety of the day.

Me? I prefer to work in 45 minute chunks before I have a stretch and maybe talk to a friend in the next room. I like to take a nice lunch break and then move to a cafe for the afternoon where I’ll eventually go for a relaxing walk.

You know how often my days look like this? Maybe 5% of the time. Why? I assume I’d look like a slacker to the rest of the team, given their work styles. Reasons why this is stupid:

Engage in this exercise the next time you’re feeling social pressure- Is it real, or are your emotions telling you a story, probably a lie?

All too often it seems as if life has placed only a few predetermined paths before us. These paths are on the rails, socially generated, and take little thought. In this situation, it’s not obvious that there’s much of a decision to be made. Of the choices available, a lone questions emerges- Which one is best?

We can question why only these paths are open to us. When we do, we come to realize that our vision has been restricted, that while we’ve only been directed to see two or three paths, there are hundreds of them before us, each one unique, compelling, and open for us to pursue.

At this point, the question “Which one is best?” fails. We can’t individually inspect every option and find the one which emerges above them all. A selection process emerges, fueled by the question, “What do I want?”

When we ask this question, it’s unlikely any of the paths will do. Some will come close, but there will always be cognitive dissonance when applying a preconfigured path to the fluid notion of what we want.

The not so obvious next step: dismiss the notion of paths all together, and acknowledge that there is only a landscape. There is only time stretching forward, and you are free to use it however you’d like.

The question that remains- What will you do?

Much of the time when we try to be empathetic, we do it all wrong. When someone is struggling our default is to find the closest situation we’ve experienced and apply it directly: “What they’re going through sounds like when I went through _____.”

We pull their emotional experience to ours, wrongly diagnosing the issue and prescribing them a solution to a completely different problem: “When I went through X, I did Y. Just do that!“

We do this because it’s comfortable. We’re knowledgeable of our personal experience, and there’s certainty in that knowledge. This comfort-seeking, as it does much of the time, kills the beauty and possibility of the moment, the opportunity for connection and collaboration.

What if, instead of pulling, we reached our emotional experience out to theirs? What if we leapt from our comfort zone into uncertainty, leaving knowledge behind and opening ourselves to their experience? In merely admitting their situation is different, we allow for true listening, true understanding, and the cooperation necessitated by it.

Not only will the effort be appreciated, but the solution will often reveal itself. Most people don’t actually need your help finding the solution, they just need someone to listen and help clear the emotional fog. All we need to do is provide the psychological air necessary.

“I have a commitment problem”

If you feel trapped by commitment, it’s probably because either:

Good to understand when to say no.

There is no one on the planet who says “Ideally, I’d like to spend 40 hours/week of my time as a cashier.”

Imagine if no one ever had to again. Hours of life could be moved to more fulfilling activities. If and when the time comes, we should be overjoyed.

Yet we don’t celebrate when situations like this arise. We lament the displacement of jobs. We grow concerned about unemployment and labor crises.

Yes it is hard to think about. Yes it is complicated. Yes it will require radical change. That doesn’t mean the current system is optimal.

A good sign you’re onto something you care about:

More energy and more exhaustion.

It’s amazing the choices we allow other to make for us.

Where we work.

When we work.

What we work on.

What we wear when we work.

At the very least understand that these are decisions, even if you’re allowing someone else to make them for you.

Feel free to substitute any of those “works” for “spend our time” or “live“.

The Positive or The Negative.

The Past, The Present, or The Future.

Within your control or Out of your Control.

The Potential or The Risk.

The Beauty or the Imperfections.

Only in very rare moments, when we have the time to sit back and digest, are we capable of seeing the truth of the whole. We are almost always restricted by what we focus on- it’s automatic.

This has a very real impact on outcomes. Focus on the negative, and watch the outcome veer in that direction.

Consider what would happen if you flip your focus to the other side.

It’s certainly half of the battle, although I question how often we really do.

Every moment is an opportunity to show up- as a friend, coworker, family member, human being.

All it takes is a decision: “I’m going to allow myself to care.”