Much of the time when we try to be empathetic, we do it all wrong. When someone is struggling our default is to find the closest situation we’ve experienced and apply it directly: “What they’re going through sounds like when I went through _____.”
We pull their emotional experience to ours, wrongly diagnosing the issue and prescribing them a solution to a completely different problem: “When I went through X, I did Y. Just do that!“
We do this because it’s comfortable. We’re knowledgeable of our personal experience, and there’s certainty in that knowledge. This comfort-seeking, as it does much of the time, kills the beauty and possibility of the moment, the opportunity for connection and collaboration.
What if, instead of pulling, we reached our emotional experience out to theirs? What if we leapt from our comfort zone into uncertainty, leaving knowledge behind and opening ourselves to their experience? In merely admitting their situation is different, we allow for true listening, true understanding, and the cooperation necessitated by it.
Not only will the effort be appreciated, but the solution will often reveal itself. Most people don’t actually need your help finding the solution, they just need someone to listen and help clear the emotional fog. All we need to do is provide the psychological air necessary.
2 Comments
Brilliant and inspired, sometimes when we are very close to someone we lose our way between the need to stop their suffering, largely because we can’t bear it, and allowing them to go through the process necessary for catharsis or closure. In Hindi to suffer is defined as a journey not a destination. I think sometimes sitting quietly beside someone on this journey and just supporting them can be the most helpful and really the only thing we have to offer.
I love this post, it really sounds like you.
The concept of suffering as a journey- that subtle shift has tremendous implications. I have always thought of it as an end to state to help someone from, not a step toward something else. What a wonderful reframing.
Thank you for the kind words, and continuing to share your wisdom here.