A few of you responded to my post on Community on Monday- thanks for that!
I had a good friend write a thorough response, breaking community-building down into 3 parts: vulnerability, resilience, and the assumption that community is a good thing.
I found myself inspired by the words, and asked if I could share them with you. Permission was granted. Words below. Leave some love if they inspire you too:
“A few thoughts I had on my commute (written without revision) – I think there’s a recipe for creating this community and it doesn’t sound very difficult, but in practice it can be scary. The 3 ingredients are (1) Unwavering belief that Community is good and that others want it too (2) Vulnerability (3) Resilience
(1) Unwavering belief that Community is good and that others want it too
For those of us who have experienced community, whether short term at a wedding or long term while in college or whatever, we know that it feels amazing. It’s indescribable and it’s a feeling we’ll quickly long for when it’s gone. I once heard that “Home is where they love you.” And that’s exactly it. It’s a web of love that grows in strength as more strings are added. While struggling through my first year post-college, my older sister perfectly empathized and articulated what I was feeling – “This is the first time you’re not surrounded by people who love you.” Yes! Those I love are still around, but not in the constant close contact like I’m used to. My favorite part of high school was hanging with my best friends in class for a few hours every day. My favorite part of college was that all my friends lived within 10 minutesfrom me, with most of them living less than 100 feet from me. Now that I’ve felt how amazing community is, I want it. I want it very badly. And I know I’m not the only one. That belief that I’m searching for a community as hard as a community is searching for me is what makes it all possible. Next comes the courage to be vulnerable.
(2) Vulnerability
There’s a great TED Talk on vulnerability that I bet you’ve seen (https://www.ted.com/talks/
(3) Resilience
Creating a community, generally, will not happen on your first try. There will be people who choose to RSVP “No”. Why? Perhaps they’re part of the minority that hasn’t experienced community. Perhaps they’re satisfied with the communities they’re already a part of. Perhaps they’re afraid they’ll be committing to a community with no way out. Perhaps they don’t think they’re good enough for your community. Whatever the case, some people will say no. And that hurts. It hurts because you intentionally made yourself vulnerable, and that vulnerability was, in a way, violated. But that’s ok. You need to be resilient and keep trying because creating a community will be good and others want it too (see what I did there?)
So how does one begin creating a community? First, identify what kind of community you want – Musicians, Volunteers, Thinkers, Readers, whatever. Second, put yourself in that environment as often as possible – Go to shows, volunteer yourself, go to speaking events, hang out in book stores, whatever. (side note – you can probably flip flop these steps). Third, introduce yourself by name ask for their name, and remember it. Fourth, get their number / Facebook and be the weird vulnerable one who invites them to the next time you do the thing that you met at. Five, repeat.
Dang, I make it sound so easy but it’s brutally difficult. Ridiculously difficult.”
3 Comments
The community you become in college (if you are lucky) is so unique. It’s really the first time that on your own, separate from your family, you willfully participate in the creation of a community. Like the community you grow up in and leave for the one you join in college, both are organic and form with minimal effort and great benefit.
I like your wedding analogy because it is a great example of the temporary communities we join if we are willing to commit wholly to a great experience with a group of people collected to celebrate the happiness of a couple that is the connection they all share.
Your first time on your own, away from family and home, and away from college, is the first time you are faced with creating your community basically from ether. (We have moved over 8 times, many of them cross country,) I have learned that by creating many small communities you can eventually connect the people that are likewise invested into a larger community.
This takes courage and authentic determination. You must invest and immerse yourself. At each place, bar, gym, concert, restaurant, event you must commit to greeting people when you arrive, learning something (and remembering it) about everyone you meet and taking great care to thank people before you leave. This gives you the opportunity to connect others across your communities increasing their value to each other and drawing people in to your community.
Be a great host everywhere, become the fire that others want to sit around and chill. Your energy will serve you well in this effort. Be open, accepting and courageous, people are both drawn to and motivated by kindness, sincere interest and a yearning for authentic connection.
These 2 pieces on community are very interesting. I hope you will keep us updated on your progress!
Beth, I swear you have the most powerful quotes in every comment. This is so insightful, you guys do have a ton of experience in this!
I like the notion of forming smaller communities and merging them- I think I’ve done this accidentally before, but want to do it intentionally now.
By the way, my favorite quote (and I think the world would be a better place if everyone sought for this): “become the fire that others want to sit around and chill.”
Thanks Justin! I am really enjoying your blog, and as always, I am invested in your success and happiness.